missed so many things i wanted to do this week because i forgot they were on my calendar or didn’t schedule my time right.  most importantly i missed a big thing tonight that i was looking forward to that included something my boyfriend worked on.  granted i was late cause i was putting me and a side project first, but i should have worked on the side project on friday knowing the deadline was tonight.  knowing there wouldn’t be enough time to shoot it after work today.  anyway i’m babbling.

i’m home writing this when i could be at a bar with my boyfriend and his friends celebrating a great showing of his latest work.  why?  i think exhaustion.  not wanting to fake a smile.  needing to take some time to breathe and figure out why i am so emotional lately.  i know a lot of it is my unstable work situation.  i’m tired of just working from home (and working my crappy weekend job that takes away time i need for important projects that might lead to a job i love).  i’m zapped.  i get yelled at by my 18 year old coworker today (i’m 27 and working a part time mindless minimum wage job to help my other freelance stuff out) for something stupid and insignificant and i realized i need to quit.  i know i am rambling and need to just calm down.  i know i’m beating myself up because i have no one to talk to all day when i’m working from home or working my crappy weekend job and that just gives my mind time to go cukoo.

i feel like Freddy Mercury.  I want to sing at the top of my lungs: “can anybody find me some job to love (that loves me back).  this endless cycle of week after week, feeling hopeless then a taste of hope than hopeless again.  no set schedule.  no interaction for hours with human beings.  no going out to coffee or to get lunch with coworkers or feeling like im doing real work and that my life is of value.  i’m not working and it’s not working for me.  im giving a week’s notice tomorrow.  that’s a step in me no longer feeling like i victim to my own life’s choices.

this is just pouring out of me because for the first time i wanted to vent (not cry in my boyfriend’s arms like a baby) but vent my own emotions find my own answers and for once not turn to food.  the old me would have gotten some wheat free dairy free newman’s o’s devoured the bag while watching anything on tv just to dull the pain i felt in my heart and that weight on my head that made me turn down a fun night.  i need to tune in.  i need to continue to tune in to myself through yoga and mediation daily.

i am praying now to god, universe, whatever loony cosmic messenger who might be out there listening to guide me to a more fulfilling life.  a life where i am thriving.  a life full of love, compassion, passion, prosperity, excitement, friendship, good health.  i know now the path i have been trying to fake as my own must fall away now.  please someone guide me to see the first step in the right direction.  empower me to make the choices that will take back the life i am meant to live.  i am ready now to no longer be afraid to live my truth.

finishing a bowl of sweetened oatmeal as a late night snack then some tea PJs netflix streaming, tidy up my room, and wait for my boyfriend to just spoon the shit out of me.